I am not sure if anyone even reads these blog posts. I like to hope at least a couple people do. I'm in a sort of, well...for lack of a better term, funk, and I have been for a long time.

For some reason I feel like my life just won't amount to anything, no matter how hard I try. I end up the same way I started. Yes, I have a job and I'm finished with school, I should be more proud of myself. But here I am, four-year degree and I'm working a part time job at a grocery store. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one I work closely with that actually WENT to college. I love the people I work with, I do, but sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in because I don't have kids, or because I don't go out all the time, or just because I'm new and I tend to alienate myself. In the end, it comes down to me and what I'm doing, and in this case, I'm excluding myself.

Brings me to my next point, I am so very lonely. I look to make new friends at work and I try, but somehow, at the end of the night, I'm left feeling even more lonely than I did when I get to work. I put up some sort of wall at work that keeps me excluded and it's the last thing I want or need right now. So, I don't understand what I want.

I never claimed to know exactly what I wanted from life, I never really have known, I've always been the sort of person who likes just flying by the seat of my pants, so to speak. I hate making plans, I like being spontaneous. Which, in a way, is funny, because I am so into theatre, which calls for schedules and doing the same routine. The difference, however, lies in the audience when it comes time to perform. There is never the same feeling two shows in a row. That's what makes it amazing, the feelings, energies, adrenaline, reactions. Everything about the live performance is just....thrilling.

Now that I can't really do theatre anymore, that thrill is gone, and it's translated to everything in my life. I no longer have fun playing with my dog or surfing the internet, or going to a store. It's all just boring and lonely.

I don't mean to complain all the time, I know I do more than I want and I'm trying to work on that, but I have to get these feelings out there somehow and this was the first thing I thought of, because it seems to be as though some people I can talk to about this stuff would either a. rather talk about hteir problems more than mine, or b. are apparently too busy or preoccupied with other stuff to talk to me. (And this time I really am making attempts to keep friends close, I know I need them.)

I normally care too much about speaking how I feel because I don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings, but right now mine are hurt and that matters a little bit more to me, because I don't want to feel hopeless, angry, and like a failure anymore.

With that being said, I'd like to address a problem I am having with one person: To whom this does concern, I don't know what you're going through, or even if you're going through anything, but what I DO know is that you are hurting people's feelings (I'm not the only one). Those of us affected miss you the way you were earlier this year, and if that isn't the real you, than I can only speak for myself, but I feel cheated. I want that person back in the other case, if that really is you. I know it's a new year and there are new people, and if they're the cause of the change, well then fuck them, you don't change for people and if they ask you to or force you to, they deserve to be beaten over the head with a very heavy object. Anyway, you should know that how you're acting...Well, it hurts. Not to be selfish, but I really need all the friends I can get right now, and you're one of my best, so I feel abandoned by you. Ignored, rejected, forgotten about. Can't help how I feel and I wish I didn't feel that way, but now I have to make it known. (At least online, because I am still sort of a wimp) Please come to your senses and come back to us, you mean a whole hell of a lot in my life, in the others' lives, too.

With that note, I'm off. If I keep going this will become longer and angrier than it needs to be. Night world.