What is your current life goal you are seeking to fulfill?

Ohh, this is a deep one. Well...I have to go with the transition from "young adult/student" status to being an adult and in the real world. Not sure if that counts as a life goal, but it should, because it's tough.
I guess I feel like it is really tough to make this transition, because no one is hiring, period, let alone positions for my major. If I want to get a job in PR, chances are I have to start at the bottom, which likely means unpaid internships, and work my way up. Granted, you do that in any sort of job you have, I just don't have the resources to do that. I need a job that pays, and I'm not even particularly fond of PR. I like it, I majored in it, but I'd rather do something I'm more passionate about, like theatre.
I ramble....My idea of fulfilling this transition is to find either a second job, or a full time job that pays really well so that I can save and save and save and get my own place. Then, I will feel like an adult and I can move on to do other adult things, like getting a new(er) car and all that stuff.

Ask me anything

Do you believe in fate?

Yes, and at the same time no. The idea of fate is an interesting one. As a Christian, I've been raised to believe that one's fate after death is either heaven or hell. I tend to fight this belief, because I don't really believe in hell, but I do believe that other's believe it so much that they consequently do everything they can to avoid it as a fate. The problem, sometimes, is that they go about it the wrong way and only do what is the minimal necessity to "stay out of hell." In going through life just doing what you think will keep you out of there is allowing the idea of fate after death consume you. You make your own fate, that's true, but I personally don't like to worry every day whether or not I'm good enough for Heaven. I try to be a good person, and I think that way I might be alright, and if reincarnation exists, I like to think I might at least be a decent animal or something when I'm reborn. I'm not really sure I'm even answering the question, I'm just rambling. I believe that people believe that fate is real. I do believe in it sometimes, and sometimes I don't. I do think, however, no matter what, that it is our choice. Do we allow our fate to happen? Or do we change it and therefore make our own? *shrugs* No real answer for that one.

Ask me anything

Is there someone you want to hold you in their arms currently?

Perhaps. I think wanting to be held is human nature, so really my answer is yes, I do want to be held in someone's arms, but if you want to know if there is a specific someone, I can answer with a lengthy list of celebrities that I would LOVE to meet and be held by. If you want to know if there is someone I know personally that I want to hold me, well. I can't answer that because I honestly don't know.

Ask me anything

insomnia...or is it a.d.d.?

I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a night in over a month or two where I have gone to bed before 1 a.m. Lately, I've been going to bed closer to 4 or 5 a.m. I blogged earlier in the summer (when I was going through a terrible self-pitying phase) about how I thought I had insomnia and blah blah blah, but my reasoning these days has changed dramatically.

I am convinced that part of the reason I have this inability to fall asleep before a certain time is A.D.D. Here is me on any given night/early morning:

1 a.m.--Okay, going to watch t.v. and stay online for the next hour, then I'm going to bed.

*watch tv/surf web*
i.e.:


2 a.m.--Ok, now it's bedti-Oh! Family Guy is on. I'll just watch this and then go to bed.

*Watches hour of Family Guy*


3 a.m.--Now it really is my bedtime. No more t.v. or inter---Wait..Is that Nintendo A Capella?!?!?! O_o



And That Corey Vidal guy?! Ohh, he's sort of dreamy. ^_^


5 a.m.-- For real, this time I am going to lay down and slee---Dangit. I haven't finished that episode of Firefly on Netflix yet. Sleep can wait, Nathan Fillion cannot.



And that is what most of my evenings consist of. Throw in some "late" but early-ish night conversations with friends and there you have it.

Comments? Concerns? Suggestions?

Oh, and I have a Formspring now....Ask me anything http://formspring.me/youalleverybody

lightbulb?

Ok, so I know last post was uber depressing and angry, and probably annoying. THIS one, however, is a sort of lightbulb one. Let's just say I had an epiphany (Not unlike Sweeney Todd, only I didn't sing about wanting to kill everyone) of sorts.

I did not come up with it on my own, though, so it's sort of an epiphany by proxy. In fact it was not even me who noticed. I shall explain....

For years all I've been able to do when I'm alone and have too much time to myself is focus on the negative aspects of myself and my life. For instance, at one point I stuggled with weight, and my looks, and eventually it progressed to worrying about my personality, so on and so forth.

What I didn't realize, no matter how many people have told me, is that I am strong. I tend to come through things better and stronger than I give myself credit for. Ok, so I just realized THIS part of the epiphany, so it's like an epiphany within an epiphany, but I digress.

Even though I'm going through some tough times right now, and I've been through tough stuff in the past, I can smile. Truly smile. I never even thought about how strong that makes me. I guess, in the past, I've smiled only to keep myself from crying, which can be true now, but I never realized how strong that really makes me.

If I can break a smile that is genuine and feels good, that means that I may have the ability to make the happiness of that moment spread, and, as a friend pointed out in a blog post of his, I can do that. I can show that underneath all the shit I go through/have gone through, I can be happy, and more importantly, make other people happy.

For me, others' happiness is what usually goes first for me. I'm more willing to lend two ears than I am to talk about my struggles. For me, listening to others' and doing my best to be there for them is what makes me happy. So, if I can make someone else happy just by being able to put a genuine smile on even when my life sucks, I know I can be happy. And I can make myself happy.

So, from now on I am honestly going to try my best not to let the negativity take over. I am going to smile as much as possible, and I'm not going to let little things bug me. After all, I do a lot when I try my best..For instance, that weight problem I had? I lost 40 lbs. in 2 months. My issue with my looks? I learned to love me the way I am.(oh, and figured out how best to make my eyes pop, because I believe that's my best feature.) Personality? Pshh, are you kidding? I am the coolest, most awesome you will ever meet, and those who disagree aren't worth my time. (Kidding...well mostly, tee hee)

It is now 2 am, and I am planning to stay up all night and watch the COOLEST show in the whole gorram 'verse...Firefly.

Cap'n Tink....out. Night all. (Well, the ones who sleep, anyway)

I am not sure if anyone even reads these blog posts. I like to hope at least a couple people do. I'm in a sort of, well...for lack of a better term, funk, and I have been for a long time.

For some reason I feel like my life just won't amount to anything, no matter how hard I try. I end up the same way I started. Yes, I have a job and I'm finished with school, I should be more proud of myself. But here I am, four-year degree and I'm working a part time job at a grocery store. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one I work closely with that actually WENT to college. I love the people I work with, I do, but sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in because I don't have kids, or because I don't go out all the time, or just because I'm new and I tend to alienate myself. In the end, it comes down to me and what I'm doing, and in this case, I'm excluding myself.

Brings me to my next point, I am so very lonely. I look to make new friends at work and I try, but somehow, at the end of the night, I'm left feeling even more lonely than I did when I get to work. I put up some sort of wall at work that keeps me excluded and it's the last thing I want or need right now. So, I don't understand what I want.

I never claimed to know exactly what I wanted from life, I never really have known, I've always been the sort of person who likes just flying by the seat of my pants, so to speak. I hate making plans, I like being spontaneous. Which, in a way, is funny, because I am so into theatre, which calls for schedules and doing the same routine. The difference, however, lies in the audience when it comes time to perform. There is never the same feeling two shows in a row. That's what makes it amazing, the feelings, energies, adrenaline, reactions. Everything about the live performance is just....thrilling.

Now that I can't really do theatre anymore, that thrill is gone, and it's translated to everything in my life. I no longer have fun playing with my dog or surfing the internet, or going to a store. It's all just boring and lonely.

I don't mean to complain all the time, I know I do more than I want and I'm trying to work on that, but I have to get these feelings out there somehow and this was the first thing I thought of, because it seems to be as though some people I can talk to about this stuff would either a. rather talk about hteir problems more than mine, or b. are apparently too busy or preoccupied with other stuff to talk to me. (And this time I really am making attempts to keep friends close, I know I need them.)

I normally care too much about speaking how I feel because I don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings, but right now mine are hurt and that matters a little bit more to me, because I don't want to feel hopeless, angry, and like a failure anymore.

With that being said, I'd like to address a problem I am having with one person: To whom this does concern, I don't know what you're going through, or even if you're going through anything, but what I DO know is that you are hurting people's feelings (I'm not the only one). Those of us affected miss you the way you were earlier this year, and if that isn't the real you, than I can only speak for myself, but I feel cheated. I want that person back in the other case, if that really is you. I know it's a new year and there are new people, and if they're the cause of the change, well then fuck them, you don't change for people and if they ask you to or force you to, they deserve to be beaten over the head with a very heavy object. Anyway, you should know that how you're acting...Well, it hurts. Not to be selfish, but I really need all the friends I can get right now, and you're one of my best, so I feel abandoned by you. Ignored, rejected, forgotten about. Can't help how I feel and I wish I didn't feel that way, but now I have to make it known. (At least online, because I am still sort of a wimp) Please come to your senses and come back to us, you mean a whole hell of a lot in my life, in the others' lives, too.

With that note, I'm off. If I keep going this will become longer and angrier than it needs to be. Night world.

short and sweet

I was going to have an actual post since I haven't really blogged in a long time, but life sort of backhand-slapped me across the face and I forgot about this. Oh and I had no internet this past weekend. The weekend was a welcome pack of ice on the bruise left by the slap, so for that I am thankful, and for those people who stepped up and comforted me and continue to do so. I thank you. You have no idea how glad I am to have you all in my life. That was a super long sentence, I apologize for that but I don't feel like fixing it, so y'all are gonna have to live with a lack of proper English. It is 1 am as well, after all.

Hoh-kay, so. Instead of a long heartfelt blog or rant or whatever this was going to be, I am going to post lyrics to a song that I currently have on repeat. 

It's called Me, Myself, and I by Hanson (go figure) and it is the last song on their most recent album, Shout It Out. Read the lyrics, even if you dont want to listen to the song. They. Are. Amazing. I swear.

It must be the end of the road 

It must be the end of you and I 

And forever too 

I'm walking the last bridge alone 

We've given up on the good times 

And the bad we knew 

When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well 

There's still someone 

That I can tell my troubles to 

Me, myself, and I will never be alone 

We'll find a way to get along 

It will be fine 

When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

Myself and I will never be alone 

We will find a way to get along 

It will be fine 

When all that's left is me, myself, and I  

When did it start getting old? 

When did it stop being worth the time 

Just to see it through? 

I don't wanna get used to 'It's over' 

But we've already said too much 

To make it new 

When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well 

There's still someone 

That I can tell my troubles to 

'Cause Me, myself, and I will never be alone 

We'll find a way to get along 

It will be fine 

When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

Myself and I will never be alone 

We will find a way to get along 

It will be fine 

When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

Well it's hard to see you don't belong to me 

'Cause I gave you the best part of my life 

Well, I tried to be everything that you want me to be 

Well I don't have to give you reasons why 

When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

I'm not gonna try to forget 

Maybe happiness is worth the chance 

Of a bitter end 

'Cause here at the end of the road 

I don't really care who was right 

I'll give you the last word tonight 

'Cause me, myself, and I will never be alone 

We'll find a way to get along 

It will be fine 

When all that's left is me, myself, and I 

Myself and I will never be alone 

We will find a way to get along 

It will be fine 

When all that's left is me, myself, and I