questions.

It's nights like the last two, when my insomnia gets the better of me and I'm left to sit awake and wonder:

Do you think about me as much as I think about you?

Do you miss me like I miss you?

If your answers are yes, why don't you just tell me how you feel?

What are you so afraid of? Can I help?

I'm afraid, too. I thought that much has been obvious. 

...Scared that if I tell you how I feel, you'll run. I lost you once, I found out I can survive without you and your friendship, but then you came back and now I'm not sure I could do it again. 

...If I ran or forced myself to move on (like last time) would you chase? Would you do everything in your power to get me back? 

I don't know the answers to these questions and that's what bothers me. Though they may seem like a way of rushing things, I'm not asking for much, really.

Think about it...

Friends let each other know when one is missed.

Friends tell each other how they feel about just about anything.

Friends tell each other when they cross the other's mind.

True friends to everything in their power not to lose what they have.

...I'm not asking to rush to any decisions about "us" or whatever, just to have my friend back. Like how it used to be, only even better. 

Anything deeper than that can wait, I just want a more consistent friendship. Don't be afraid to talk to me.

...Most important question: Why don't you talk to me when I'm not in town? Why do you only respond to a select few things I send you?

...Makes me feel rejected and forgotten. You mean a lot to me, and if I mean nothing I need to know so I can attempt to salvage what's left of me and move on.

restless hearts sleep alone tonight...

Haven't really written a legit blog post for a while. If I felt up to it, I'd probably make this one way too long and that just wouldn't be cool. Luckily for you, my reader(s), I am totally not up for writing a lot right now.

I've been really restless lately. I can't sleep before 4 a.m. even if I try really hard. I actually dread having GOOD dreams instead of dreading nightmares. I don't really ever feel like leaving the house, but at the same time I'm constantly moping around wanting to have friends and a life.

I so wish I had the guts to live up to what I preach, but right now I'm a chicken and I am, once again, stuck on the sidelines. Well, I never really got off the sidelines, it was really more like moving from sitting on the bench without a uniform to putting one one only to be a benchwarmer. At least I've progressed from just being an audience to my life passing by. That's one positive. But still, benchwarmer is not much of a promotion and I need to work really hard to get my life on track and how I want it lived.

Something that bugs me....How businesses that are desperate for employees aren't willing to compromise their standards, but those of us searching for jobs are FORCED to compromise our job standards just to scrape by. It doesn't make any sense. If you're going to compulsively post the same job openings for 6 or more months, there is something wrong with YOU not the applicants. And at the point they do lower their standards, the applicant(s) are just ...over it. That don't want to work for a company who is only willing to compromise when they are at their last resort.

It's all bull shit and the real world fucking sucks.

This was longer than I thought. Sorry for that. And there is language, my apologies again...Actually, I take that back. I can use profanity if I damn well please, it's my fekking blog.

Thinking about starting a Vlog on YouTube...thoughts? Suggestions for video ideas/themes?

I miss theatre.

(I had a 5 hours energy shot because I'm crazy and now swings from depression and bitterness to randomosity are occurring. My apologies if I've given anyone whiplash.)