Sunday, February 13, 2011

ode to old school avril.

I'm With You by Avril Lavigne


Im standing on the bridge

Im waiting on the dark
I thought that you'd be here
by now
Ther's nothing but the rain
no foot steps on the ground
Im listening but ther's 
no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me
Won't somebody come take me home

it's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
Im with you
Im with you

Im looking for a place
Im sarching for a face
Is anybody here 
I know

Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be
alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me
Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I 
Im with you 
Im with you

Oh

Why is every thing so confusing?
Maybe Im just out of my mind

Yeah yeah yeah...

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand 
Take me somewhere new
I don't Know Who You are
But I 
Im with you
Im with you
Take me by the hand 
Take me somewhere new
I don't Know Who You are
But I 
Im with you
Im with you

Take me by the hand 
Take me somewhere new
I don't Know Who You are
But I 
Im with you
Im with you




Avril is perfect for my angsty moods. didn't realize that until last weekend. Girl power, I suppose. Not in a sharing sort of mood, save for posting these lyrics and this video. I used to be totally obsessed with this song. It is probably my favorite from Let Go, with the exception of Losing Grip...which, oddly enough, also matches my mood at the moment. Lyrics will be posted, though I don't think she made a video for that song...Or did she? 

Losing Grip by Avril Lavigne

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real..
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say...


I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,
That's when I decided...



Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone...
You, you need to listen!
I'm startin' to trip,
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone...



Am I just some chick you placed beside you,
To take somebody's place?
When you turn around can you recognize my face..?
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case,
Everything wasn't okay..



I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,
thats when i decided...



Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm startin' to trip
I'm losin' my grip
And I'm in this thing alone



Cryin' out loud 
I'm cryin' out loud
Cryin' out loud 
I'm cryin' out loud



Open your eyes 
Open up wide



Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared, 
I was so alone 



Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared, 
I was so alone 
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care 
We're not going anywhere



Why should I care? 
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared 
I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care 
We're not goin anywhere

Boosh. Found it.


Friday, January 21, 2011

finally, finally, finally....

FINALLY watched A Very Potter Musical.

Loved, loved, loved it. It had be cracking up at the most inopportune moments, but also had it's serious HP moments, which is fantastic for a bunch of twenty-somethings to achieve in a parody show.

Ron cracked me up. He was so ridiculous!

I have to say, though, that Malfoy took the cake as far as character-parodies go. The girl who played him (THAT in itself was hilarious!) did an awesome job and I want to hug her if I ever meet her.

^^THIS is what I think of Voldemort. ^^
I have never had a crush (or even liked) the character, but in parody form he is so funny and damn adorable (in a really weird, psychotic killer sort of way). ((Not to mention his torso is GODLY))

SO if you have not watched AVPM, GO WATCH IT! It's completely fan-made and so great. 
GO NOW


I had both Saturday and Sunday off, so I ended up spending my free time watching a couple of movies. 

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog has been on my Netflix instant watch queue for a long time but, for some reason unknown to me, I've been putting off watching it. Until now....

 And now it's plain to see that I am OBSESSED. Totally and completely OBSESSED.

 I want to marry Dr. Horrible. Neil Patrick Harris is SO AMAZING.

 And c'mon, who better to love to hate than Captain Hammer (Corporate Tool)? Nathan Fillion, for once, is someone I love to hate (Usually I just love to love his characters....)

So now I have two new soundtracks in my iTunes and they are on repeat. Dr Horrible, meet Harry Potter. Voldemort, meet Captain Hammer.


So my Saturday was spent obsessing over Dr. Horrible, and then Sunday came along. I went over to my friends' apartment and we all had pizza (it was yummy!) and watched a movie called Perfume: The Story of a Murderer"

It was fantastic. It's sort of got a Tim Burton-esque Sweeney Todd feel about it. It's pretty off-beat and could be considered distrurbing, but I highly enjoyed it and that is probably for those reasons. Ben Whishaw is the main character, Grenouille (FROG!), and while Whishaw is a pretty attractive guy, he did a great job at being a total creeper.

The story is about Grenouille and how he was born with a supersonic sense of smell, and as he got older, he realized he wanted to find a way to preserve smell...particular the smell of beautiful women.  He has strange experiments, and I'll tell you, you'll never think of perfume the same way again. I highly recommend it if you're not easily queasy or disturbed. And if you don't mind a little nudity and a very..........unique ending to a movie.





I know how you feel, Ron...Only not about Hermione. (That bitch.)

Saturday, January 15, 2011

want?

Want. 

Want. Want. 

Want. Want. WANT. 

yes. Yes. YES. Want.


Yeah. I'm in one of those moods. Do Mormons still take multiple spouses? Can it work the other way, as in one wife and multiple husbands? Yeah. I want that.

...And strawberries.

And chocolate.

Om nom nom!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

a year in review...a little late.

First post of the new year! 

I don't really have a plan as to what I want to say in this one. Suppose you'll just have to deal with my mindless ramblings. Sorry.

I guess it'd be appropriate to look back at 2010 and, like, evaluate it or something. So here goes, by month(ish):

January
Can't remember much of what happened in January. Rehearsals for Peter Pan started, I'm pretty sure auditions for Twelfth Night happened, which means this month was when I was cast as Viola and therefore became a twin to by good friend Sidney. 
Then rehearsals for Twelfth Night began. Oh, and my last semester as a college student began, I suppose that's fairly important, huh? Yeah, thought so.

February
This month was pretty much consumed by school and rehearsals. We had a month, basically, to put together an entire Shakespearean play. That meant memorizing, blocking, building a set, promoting, and perfecting something that even professional Shakespearean companies take more than a month to perfect. And it is of my opinion that we did a fantastic job given our circumstances and resources. Most importantly, to me, is that it was the smoothest play I had been involved with. Usually there's drama and something huge goes wrong or at least threatens to...Not with this one. Sure, sometimes we all got on each others' nerves, but we were in an even smaller space than usual (The girl's "dressing room" was a space that used to be a bar and the boys' was basically a closet) so that was expected. Pretty much everything went right and because of that it was really easy to be super passionate about the show. 

Oh, and this was also when the final season of Lost started, only to remind me of one more thing that would be the beginning of the end for me. I was sad, the first episode made me cry, and week after week, I continued crying over the show. It really was such a huge part of my life and I'm an uber geek for that, but I'm proud of my Lost fanatacism!

March
Twelfth Night rehearsals came to an end and the running of the show began! One weekend. Best. Performance. Weekend. EVER. It was so much fun and I loved interacting with the audience. It was great. 
Saw Alice in 3D and loved, loved, loved Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen. The 3D with live action made me dizzy, however and I might have preferred it not in 3D. Unless it was a cartoon.
Since Twelfth Night ended, it was now time to focus on school and Peter Pan. Since I was a lost boy, it was easy to focus more on school, though I doubt I did that. Social life is sort of important to me, and I'm pretty sure I spend more time hanging than studying. *shrugs*

If I remember correctly, spring break was in March. I was visited by some awesome people! When they visited, we went to the Science Center, but it was too crowded and we got really bored really fast, so went to the Zoo instead. We walked A LOT and it was so much fun and I can't wait to be visited by some more awesome people and go to the Zoo again! (Maybe try to go a little earlier to find a better parking spot!)
After spring break, Peter Pan rehearsals picked up, Glee returned (Well..started for me, that's when I got addicted!) and the rest of the month (All 9 days of it) flew by.

April
Peter Pan rehearsals, hanging out, school. The usual. Started going swimming more often. It was fun. This would be my last full month of school, so that was starting to really pick up and I started getting nervous for it to end and I really wanted to work on finding a job in Quincy. I didn't have luck in that, unfortunately, but a lot of me wasn't surprised I didn't find anything. 
Peter Pan began at the very end of the month. I was excited to be able to fly again, only I almost preferred the old flylines we had in Wizard of Oz. The ones for Pan were cool because you could spin around and didn't have to just keep facing forward, but that was also frustrating, because it was more difficult to control. I didn't have a mic and I'm pretty sure half of the lines I said in the air were said to the people backstage. The harness hurt a lot more, too. BUT I have to say that, although I was slightly disappointed with the show because it had Wizard of Oz to compete with, I did have a great time. I got to spend a few hours every night with some of my really good friends, and making good friends with new people. It was an excuse to act like a little kid since I was playing a little kid, and not many things get better than that. 

May
Peter Pan's last weekend. Last show on the MacHugh Theatre stage. I cried. A LOT. Sidney stood in front of me during the greet afterwards, THAT'S how much I could not control my sadness. I hope I didn't make too many strangers feel awkward. I think they figured I was a senior and leaving when no one else was acting that way. *shrugs* That theatre was my life for four years and there is not a day that passes I don't think about any or all of the shows I was involved with in the short years I was there. 


School work was insane! Had to put together a portfolio and present it. Nervewrecking! But I did it and I was proud of all I did in 2 years. (I didn't declare my major until the end of my Sophomore year) Then it was over. I visited Notre Dame to see my cousin graduate. I didn't walk in my own Graduation. I don't think I'd have made it through without having a breakdown and THAT would have been embarrassing. I could go on and on about how that school changed my life in so many ways, but I'll spare y'all that rambling. (Mostly because I don't feel like crying)
On the same day of my "graduation" was the series finale of Lost. I drove home, well to my cousin's house, and watched it with the few other people in my family that were just as obsessed with it as I was. My mom surprised me with a Congrats cake. It was supposed to be Lost themed, but the people at the store forgot about it, so it was a beach cake, which was good enough. (I have birthdays and stuff that I can use as an excuse for a REAL lost themed cake :-D) The show was sad sad sad sad and when it ended, I was speechless. I'm still attempting to adjust myself to believe and accept that Lost is really over. Usually the season would be starting within 3 weeks to a month. I also had to deal with the end of Heroes. Sadnessssss. I didn't know what to do with myself.


June
I was asked, and all too willingly accepted a chance to play Hermia in A MidSummer Night's Dream that was to be performed as a part of a festival in downtown Quincy. So, I had moved back home to Florissant, but I was spending weekends in Quincy for rehearsals. Best weekends ever. I felt like I was still a part of the town and I liked that because I was not ready to say goodbye to it. (Still not!!)
Show went great. It was so much fun and it was hot outside but totally worth it.
The rest of time spent in Florissant was devoted to filling out applications, a fumbled "job" that was just terrible and stupid.

July
Managed to make it to Quincy for the 4th of July. That was fun. Hung out with friends, was introduced to Invader Zim (Thanks, Sidney!) and watched fireworks. Yay.
Rest of the month devoted to trying to find a job. No luck. Increasing amount of anxiety and depression settled in. I missed Quincy and it's people.

August
Continued sadness and frustration. Not to mention certain rifts that were occurring. On my birthday, I got a call for a job interview at a local grocery store. It was something at least. I was a little happier. Got the job. Became a checker. Made it to Quincy, too. Fun fun fun and loved it. At the same time, when I came home it only made me sadder to be in Florissant. I was digressing emotionally.

September
Depression. Work. More depression. Awkardness. Success, was promoted to office checker after only working at the store for a few weeks. Woot, from cashier to customer service, great step. I'm a supervisor! I was still sad, though and continuously frustrated in my personal relationship with someone. 
At the end of the month, that relationship ended. I finally made plans to visit Quincy.

October
Visited Quincy for first time in too long and that weekend was the weekend I really grew up. Reconnected with an old friend and that was really great. Actually, make that two friends, one was a surprise, and the other was planned. Bonfires are awesome. Friends are awesome, especially the ones I have.

Made plans to visit Quincy for Halloween. Plans fell through, dressed up for work on Halloween, was told I looked like a Hot Topic employee, but I was intending to be a rockstar. Whoops. It was fun.

November
First couple of weeks uneventful. Couldn't believe it was November already. The weather was still in the 50's and 60's so it was very confusing. Finally got colder the week of Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving it snowed. Weird, weird, and more weird. Liked it, though. Didn't stick, but who cares, the flakes were great to see. Food was yummy. Saw the Lost encyclopedia. Drooled.

Two days after Thanksgiving I went to the BLUES game with someone I had not hung out with for a long time. It was so much fun! The Blues lost, but reconnecting and catching up and all that jazz was fantastic and I honestly didn't want the game to end because that meant the night was over.


December
Visited Quincy and got to see the final rehearsal of an interactive Madrigal dinner play. Made me sad not being involved, but still felt integrated since I still knew most of the people involved. Was asked by Connie if I was interested in doing the Shakespeare show for the summer and encouraged to send her ideas! This made me happy. Watched Scott Pilgrim vs World. (If your life had a face I'd punch it)

One sad day, I came home to find my dog had gotten into a bottle of IB Profin. She threw up, I figured she'd be okay (didn't know at the time it was toxic to dogs.) Two days later, Mom took her to the hospital where we found out she was in the early stages of acute kidney failure. We all prayed a lot. A LOT. Two days later, after lots of IVs and whining,  her blood was retested and they were normal. MIRACLE. Christmas miracle. So glad my baby is ok. I'd have really really missed her and probably have digressed back into depression-like behavior.

Visited Quincy for a whole weekend. It was awesome. Partied, chilled, and partied some more. Was sad to leave.

Christmas was awesome! Got a Nook. I love it. Family came to visit, and as usual, did not stay long enough, but I had a blast when they were here and I was sad that I had a job so I could not spend all my time with them.
Worked New Years Eve. Boring, even though it was busy. When I got off, I drove to Quincy. Locked my keys in my car. Great way to almost start the new year, right? Yeah. Made it to Quincy 2 minutes after midnight. 






And that concludes 2010. I typed a lot more than I intended, and yet I could have gone into so much more detail. Yeah, I talk a lot. Whoops. Deal with it or don't read it, just look at the pictures.

Good night.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

i'm happy wondering.

Wondering by Good Charlotte

If you want me to wait,
I will wait for you
If you tell me to stay,
I will stay right through
If you don't wanna say anything at all
I'm happy wondering
Go!

Yeah, yeah!

Since I was a young man I never was a fun man
I never had a plan and no security
Then ever since I met you I never could forget you
I only wanna get you right here next to me

'Cause everybody(a-whoa)Needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody(a-whoa)That I found just in time

If you want me to wait,
I will wait for you
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say anything at all
I'm happy wondering.

Now my life is changing, It's always rearranging
It's always getting stranger than I thought it ever could
Ever since I found you, I wanna be around you
I wanna get down to the point that I need you

'Cause everybody (a-whoa)Needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody(a-whoa)That I found just in time

If you want me to wait,
I will wait for you
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say anything at all
I'm happy wondering

Go!

Yeah, yeah!

yeah, yeah...

Don't tell me the bad news
Don't tell me anything at all
Just tell me that you need me
And stay right here with me

If you want me to wait,
I will wait for you
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say anything at all
I'm happy wondering

If you want me to wait,
I will wait for you
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say anything at all
i'm happy wondering




I've been in a lieu of strange moods the past couple of days. They haven't been bad moods, per se, just weird ones. This song sort of fits most of them. I think yesterday I was trying to figure out why I feel the way I do, so it was a bit negative for a while...I vented some bitterness while at work and that made me feel worse than I thought, which was the opposite goal I was attempting to accomplish. Oh well.

I baked Christmas cookies today with my sister and grandma and had a blast. I ate a lot of the cookie dough because I can never resist it and Gramma put me in charge of it (Scooore!) and also drank quite a bit of soda, so I was definitely a hyper one today. (Got a surprise "liking" of that when I posted it as my status, too..made me smile!) As the evening grew on, however, I began to crash and therefore the mood went from being fairly positive and upbeat to blah and more blah. 

I decided I needed to get out and do some Christmas shopping (Because I'm a huge procrastinator and didn't think I'd actually have money to shop..But I do!) and that put me in a further state of blah-ness because I remembered just how terrible of a Christmas present shopper I am. I guess I'll just have to get gift cards or something. *shrugs*

I'm beginning to feel better now, I do believe I'm only blah because I'm very tired and not looking forward to work the next few days because it's going to be insane (Especially with the weather forecast). 

Attempting to stay in the Christmas spirit, I listened to Christmas music today....big mistake as I'll be forced to listen to weird renditions of the classic radio songs at work for three days straight, so I changed to regular shuffle of my library and Good Charlotte popped up with this song that I posted above and I was like "Wow it's funny that this song was randomly played because it's sort of perfect to how I'm feeling right now!" And viola, the reasoning for the lyrics and video. 

I realize this is sort of a long post, I feel like writing out what I'm thinking in a fairly decent amount of detail. Feel free to ignore this post. Except for the video. Unless you hate Good Charlotte, and in that case, well to each his own and I'm sorry if I tortured you. (not really)

I was going to end with that note, but a sudden inspiration hit me. I have felt fear toward a certain situation going on in my life right now, and before tonight I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I'm so afraid. Luckily, nights off and shopping-gone-wrong give me chances to ponder and I realized that it is the "unknown" that I am afraid of. Isn't that why fear usually exists? You fear what you don't know. Well I'm afraid because there are plenty of things I want to know, but I'm not being told. I have a good idea why, but I don't know for sure and I don't want to pressure the situation or rush it at all. I'm afraid because I don't know, come to think of it, may not be the way to phrase it after all....Though I am afraid, the fear rises from past experience with this part of the situation. That I knew already, frustration is what is bugging me now. Impatience. My feelings are running wild and I can't hold them back. So I broke a promise I made to myself by allowing that and I'm uber frustrated with myself for it. And I'm uber frustrated at the situation's situation....In a nutshell, and to save myself from typing out a whole novel, I'll just say this: Distance. Fucking. Sucks. 

Trying not to let it get to me or to bring me down, but it's difficult sometimes, when I see the same things everywhere and see things that make me go, "i want to be able to do that right now." Alas, that is human nature and I must deal with it. Wish me luck and I'll keep hoping the situation's situation is sorted before this place drives me insane.

And finally...Even with all that said, though I look back on it and it sounds like it's really negative and I'm fed up, I'm not fed up, just simple frustration with an element of the situation. The song fits my mood and is sort of perfect, because I am happy wondering. My wonderings are positive and make me randomly smile and  give me the tinglies in my tummy. (yes, I'm weird and I won't apologize for that.)

Goooooood night.

Friday, November 26, 2010

something a little different....


)I realize it's a day late. I was lazy earlier and bummed earlier tonight because the Blues lost. But it's still relevant...Turkey day meal was even better as leftovers!)

(And I apologize for my hand-writing...it's never been good)

Monday, November 1, 2010

restless hearts sleep alone tonight...

Haven't really written a legit blog post for a while. If I felt up to it, I'd probably make this one way too long and that just wouldn't be cool. Luckily for you, my reader(s), I am totally not up for writing a lot right now.

I've been really restless lately. I can't sleep before 4 a.m. even if I try really hard. I actually dread having GOOD dreams instead of dreading nightmares. I don't really ever feel like leaving the house, but at the same time I'm constantly moping around wanting to have friends and a life.

I so wish I had the guts to live up to what I preach, but right now I'm a chicken and I am, once again, stuck on the sidelines. Well, I never really got off the sidelines, it was really more like moving from sitting on the bench without a uniform to putting one one only to be a benchwarmer. At least I've progressed from just being an audience to my life passing by. That's one positive. But still, benchwarmer is not much of a promotion and I need to work really hard to get my life on track and how I want it lived.

Something that bugs me....How businesses that are desperate for employees aren't willing to compromise their standards, but those of us searching for jobs are FORCED to compromise our job standards just to scrape by. It doesn't make any sense. If you're going to compulsively post the same job openings for 6 or more months, there is something wrong with YOU not the applicants. And at the point they do lower their standards, the applicant(s) are just ...over it. That don't want to work for a company who is only willing to compromise when they are at their last resort.

It's all bull shit and the real world fucking sucks.

This was longer than I thought. Sorry for that. And there is language, my apologies again...Actually, I take that back. I can use profanity if I damn well please, it's my fekking blog.

Thinking about starting a Vlog on YouTube...thoughts? Suggestions for video ideas/themes?

I miss theatre.

(I had a 5 hours energy shot because I'm crazy and now swings from depression and bitterness to randomosity are occurring. My apologies if I've given anyone whiplash.)