I'm probably being selfish/self-absorbed/whatever but I feel trapped. If I find a job here in Florissant, well that'd be awesome because it's a job...but I have one really good friend here and if we're both working all the time, then I'm stuck in my house all the time dealing with a dog that has way too much energy. I miss my friends in Quincy. Hell, I just plain miss Quincy. I like it better there. At least I'm not ignored most of the time when I'm there because it's nearly impossible to ignore people in a town that size. Here...Well I'm two hours away and therefore much easier to ignore. The worst part is that I won't confront anyone because then I'd just feel guilty, and the fact that I'm even talking about it now makes me feel selfish because I'm probably wrong. But then I think about my past, when I was ignored and it wasn't accidental. If there's anything wrong even now, I know that it's me and not anyone else so I'm selfish to think any different.
I've been thinking about the past a lot in the last two weeks here. Not because I want to or I admire the memories, because this place forces them back in my head. Driving down the street, seeing Steak n Shake, having to re-live the sucky times I had because of that place. Sitting alone for most of the day and not being able to help but think about the crap I went through in Florissant.
With free time, I've been able to look back on my old blogs and how immature and whiny I sounded and now look at me, I'm typing up a blog that is probably a repeat of what I've typed before. This is what happens when I'm alone...I digress and then I hurt people because I can't get over my lack of self confidance. I'm a hypocrite, you know? I tell people to move on, to live in the present and I say I live by the words of Rent songs when I'm stuck in the past.
Trapped. Ignored. Low. Guilty. Selfish...I really can't help how I feel...I just want to get rid of all of these feelings.
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